by Audrie Meraki
In a world where we prioritize positive feelings over negative ones, it creates a society that does not want to be whole. Avoiding negative emotions will only exacerbate them for the individual. I speak about this as an observer and from personal experience. We have placed so much stigma on mental health, especially crisis intervention for those who don’t know where to go for help. Those individuals become isolated in their own world without receiving services. According to America’s Health Ranking, 8.9% of adolescents in the United States have attempted suicide.
Suicide is still a taboo topic and most people deem suicide as more immoral than homicide. Why is that? Why do we, as a society, feel that death caused by another person is more honorable? Families get the help they need after their family member gets killed. Suicide is a whole other world of chaos for families. Families become secretive about the issue out of fear of being judged, sometimes even by other family members. The less suicide is talked about, the more it will happen and less supports are available for people who need it.
My last suicide attempt was 6 years ago and it still haunts me. I question myself everyday how did I get here, why am I here, how do I continue to move forward? I grew up in an environment where I was told to manage my feelings on my own. I got used to feeling numb rather than actually feeling my feelings. It was a culmination of multiple traumas and unresolved anger that caused me to attempt. As a result, I provided myself with more trauma I was NOT able deal with. The only thing I do know after my last attempt was that I didn’t want to die. I have been in this fog for years, avoiding working on my Complex PTSD and suicidal ideations. Although, it has been very difficult trying to receive the necessary mental health services I need due to the lack of openings available, I am finding my way through this with music, writing and opening up more to people I can trust.
I am tired of always being fine, when I am really not doing okay. I have lied to myself for so many years when I could have gotten help. I want to be happy for the very first time in my life. To finally say how I feel and not be terrified of myself. To create my own family; to be loved in full. It can be scary to start over after a suicide attempt, but you can do it. I can be happy if I allow myself to be and I can love every piece of myself, both good and bad. The only way to heal myself is to love myself enough to speak about my pain. Take the chance to help yourself work through what is plaguing your life. I am healing my trauma for myself and for the future I never thought I wanted. I want so much more than just to live. I want to thrive.